J Atwal

Satnaam Satnaam Sada Sada Satnaam

Dandout to all.

I am nothing but sand and dust beneath your feet. A lonely pauper.

Baba Ji has told me to write this for the last few years. I’ve never been a writer, and never liked doing it. I have to do this and must pass my experience on to others who are struggling upon this path.

First I should maybe explain who I am. I am a 37 year old male, an only child born to 2 wonderful amazing parents. For years I struggled with who I am and who or what I should be.

I started drinking and smoking and doing pot to fit in with a group of people I thought to be my friends, thinking if I do this I will be accepted within this peer group or that peer group ,I started this crappy behavior young in life. Never being comfortable in my own skin... I always seeked an exceptance within a group of friends. We did many stupid things, got in fights hurt people destroyed property made fun of those who were not like us, and drank and smoked and did drugs. Looking back I always feel guilty for the things and hurt I caused people.

I had finally dumped those friends for newer kinder ones, but ones who still drank, and smoked. They weren't big on drugs so that had stopped, or was much slower. We loved to go to pubs and hang out and chat, They were all university kids and I was still trying to be something, and would sometimes try to keep up with the conversations, knowing I was full of shit. Our biggest vice was beer, we loved to drink.

I unfortunately, was not very stable in my mind I was very depressed and angry. My friends never knew the state I was in, I hid it well...always using booze to keep me happy, at least for the short term. After a night of drinking I would come home and cry and sob myself to sleep. I had always felt alone and always wanted a women to be with.

I had always felt lost and alone. This lasted many years and somedays were worse than others. I would sometimes take my anger out on my parents, yelling and cursing at them. I was never truly happy. I wanted a partner to take me away from that life. I had a few girlfriends, but they just wanted to party and take me along for the ride.

So that was my life before Baba Ji, miserable, drunk, and very angry oh and broke.

My parents would tell me they were going to Toronto to see someone, a Sant. They said he was speaking the truth and giving them so much peace and hope. He made them happy. Of course, I didn’t believe in such things, telling them it was a waste of time and he (Baba Ji) was only after everyones money. I wanted them to quit seeing him. I fought with them and pleaded with them. “He is selling you snake oil, leave him before we are broke” is what I said to them.

Mom and dad would come home from their meeting with Baba Ji and the Sangat, and they would be radiant, I could see them glowing with happiness and optimism. I could see this but never wanted to believe it. To me, there was no such thing. I think a year or two went by, mom and dad were seeing Baba Ji and the Sangat. It was around this time that the video of the Sangat was being passed around the gurdhwaras. I guess you can say, shit hit the fan. My parents were in it, thats what I thought at the time, Baba Ji and the Sangat had brought trouble to our doorstep, lol. How one thought can be so backwards, it was the other way around, this trouble had brought unbelievable happiness and peace to our front door.

I received a call, it was my mom she was calm but I could tell something was wrong.  She told me something had happened at Sangat and that Baba Ji and Mataji and the kids were coming to our place. I didn’t know what to think at the time. I was in a bit of shock. It wasn’t my house, and really I had no say. Baba Ji was coming to stay with us. I was upset.

It was weird for me to have people stay with us. I was an only child, always the center of attention, lol. The house was always quite and thats how I liked it.  At the time I never knew how blessed we were to have a Sant in our house. I think about it now and tears begin to build up, tears of happiness, God gave us a gift, a gift I could have never imagined.

Baba Ji, always wanted to engage me in some sort of conversation. He would be sitting in our living room watching TV, the news. He would ask how I was or if I wanted to watch a movie. I was always a bit shy, so always tried to keep it brief. One day we sat and watched Lord of the rings together, Baba Ji would explain the meanings and would tell me the things he knew and the visions he had, I didn’t believe him, at the time, I remember that. I don’t remember a lot of that period of time. I do remember it being peaceful and calm in the house. I know near the time Baba Ji found a new house, I grew to love them as family. I still wasn’t sold on the whole Sant thing, but I got to know them all as my extended family.

So here is where things changed for me. I was still partying and getting drunk and feeling alone. I went out partying with some friends. Everything was fine we had some beers and chatted and came home. I think I had more than I thought and started to feel really down and lost, more so than ever. I started to panic and felt the world was closing in on me. My room started to close in on me and it felt as though I was drowning. I was lost. Mom and dad came into my room to ask if I was ok, I flew off the handle and went crazy, hitting the wall with my fist and head and telling my parents to kill me, I wanted to die, a feeling I had for a long time, I just wanted to die. I got very erratic and started to punch myself and yell. Mom and dad got scared and called the police. As soon as I saw the police in the house I snapped and started to attack them punching and pushing them. They took me to the hospital. Mom had called Baba Ji, who rushed down to see me in the hospital, they didn’t let him see me, and I didn’t know he had come. They had diagnosed me with Bipolar, and let me go. I don’t remember exactly what  happened after I had got home.

A few weeks had gone by since the incident. Mom sat me down and told that Baba Ji had come to the hospital, she said Baba Ji said I would be fine and not to worry. Before she told me, I could feel myself slowly changing... the anger was dying the depression was dying the loneliness was subsiding.

Mom would have Sangat at the house, I was still a bit nervous of the whole thing,

I would stay up in my room, and listen to what was going on downstairs. Baba Ji would speak loudly filling the whole house with his voice, and it felt wonderful, at the time I didn’t quite understand why the house always felt so peaceful when he was here and after he would leave. Mom had Sangat at home quite a few times and each time the same, I stayed in my room listening.

One day I came down and joined the Sangat, it was amazing, so loving and amazing.  Slowly I started to listen more. Baba Ji told me once at Sangat that he knew I was upstairs listening and that he would speak just a little louder so I could hear him, he was sending me Gyan, how amazing and wonderful. After a while my mom asked Baba Ji to give me Naam, he did. This was the most amazing feeling I have ever had, tears started to pour down my face, I felt so happy I can’t even explain. I started to visit the website and read Baba Ji and Dasaan Das Ji’s posts, and all the posts from the Sangat, every time I read them I cried, I don’t know why but it just hit me and I would cry but I was so happy.

One night I started to recite Satnaam over and over again, I was in bed, I couldn’t stop reciting it. I feel asleep and thats when I was taken, taken out of my body. I

travelled up and up and up, seemed like an elevator was taking me to the sky. I started to hear a noise, faint at first but it started to sound like music it was beautiful. I was with a women I believe she took me up. When we got real high I dropped a bit on to a wave of water, it was massive and clear blue, it was an ocean and I was surfing the wave, and loving it just loving it, feeling free’er than anyone can ever feel. I don’t how long I was surfing, but all of a sudden I was dragged from surfing, I was dragged under the water and was going deeper and deeper into the ocean...it got darker and very scary, the good feeling turned to dread, this wasn’t a good place. I finally reached the bottom, full of dirt and sand. I was at the bottom of this ocean alone. I looked down and saw something sticking out of the sand, I started to uncover it... I was horrified, it was a head, I turned it around and it was the head of a women. I have never felt that scared in my life. I awoke..”was that a dream?’ I asked myself, it was to real like I was physically there, it was so real, I couldn’t believe how vivid it was. I told mom and dad about it, mom phoned Baba Ji right away and told him what had happened. Baba Ji said I was being shown heaven and hell, I was shown where I was headed and where I could be, surfing, haha. That is when Baba Ji said I had to share this experience, which as you can see I didn’t, but I am now doing it.

During the next few months, I was high I felt radiant, Satnaam would not leave my lips,it flowed through out my body from lips to my feet to my head and back, this lasted months. During this time I got to know some other people from other sangats around the world, I got to know some really well she helped me through this time, keeping me grounded and letting me know I had to work to keep this feeling going, this member of sangat helped me a lot.

Baba Ji gave me a gift, and I can’t imagine my life without him, he gave me so much and helps me all the time.

I have still to this day, not felt down or depressed. It has been over 4 years. I still recite or try to recite Satnaam everyday all day ( or as much as I can). Through all this, I must say I have fallen a few times and still do, I still go out and drink, and I still smoke. But God, Baba Ji, and the Sangat keep me going, and encourage me to progress and to keep fighting the 5 thieves. I still do, with love and happiness and God in my heart.

No doubt, I have a long way to go, and a lot to learn, and this path is different for all of us, but its the greatest and most rewarding path you’ll ever go down. Don’t get discouraged .God, love, peace and happiness will always be with you.

I am nothing,

a grain of sand under your feet,

nothing,

a pauper,

a fool.

Dandout to all from a nothing.

Jan 2010.